“Husband gets defensive when i tell him how i feel.” This is one of my clients’ comments to me on a relationship analysis. “People in relationships get defensive especially when their partner expresses their needs.” That makes sense. I have observed spouses with whom I have done couples therapy express their needs too often, that’s why they are defensive. Why my husband gets defensive when i tell him how i feel
Why My Husband Gets Defensive When I Tell Him How I Feel?
Husband gets defensive when i tell him how i feel I’ve noticed that when I’m having an emotional conversation with my husband about an unresolved conflict in our marriage, he gets defensive very quickly and starts talking incessantly about himself. “You don’t listen to me, you never listen to me, you’re always arguing with me.” My clients say, “No, that’s not true. I’m trying to help you get out of your own way.” Well, it’s working but again John gottman is correct, if he is not changing his behavior to meet your needs, you will keep going back to this therapist.
What does “being in your own way” mean to you? It means that when you feel that you are being criticized or blame for something – criticism that you don’t deserve – you do everything in your power to avoid listening to the criticism. You may feel you are justified in your reaction and that’s okay, too.
But what happens when you don’t hear what’s being said and when you respond with, “Well, that’s just the way it is,” is when you start to take action in a manner inconsistent with your stated feelings. You stop being calm, you stop being in control, you become defensive defensiveness.
“That’s not fair,” you say defensively, “I thought we were supposed to be friends. I don’t like having to be the one to apologize for the way I act.” I usually respond by asking, “Do you ever feel that you and your spouse are angry at each other?” If the answer is no, then we have reached the heart of the matter: the relationship is not healthy. Relationship Therapy can help couples resolve this communication gap and get on with rebuilding the relationship.
The “coupling” feeling many couples experience when they realize their marriage is heading for trouble is often a sense of guilt that is also paired with a desire to protect oneself from being vulnerable or making a mistake. One way to avoid making a mistake is to avoid talking about problems in the relationship with your husband.
Communication simply does not work that way: if you have issues, let them be dealt with in private. Doing so will help you learn how to communicate in a way that helps keep the relationship alive and growing. If you are fortunate enough to still have a cherished spouse and you want to continue to keep the relationship alive and thriving, then you must learn how to share your feelings with him. Why my husband gets defensive when i tell him how i feel
Your husband may be exhibiting behavior that feels completely incompatible with your own feelings and thoughts. You need to recognize the symptoms of this behavior and take steps to change it quickly. Being calm and rational and explaining your concerns in a clear and non-defensive manner is a good start. However, if your husband seems to be defensiveness when you ask him how he feels, you may need more help.
When couples enter into counseling, the goal is usually to work on communication skills and relationship growth. When couples enter counseling, they may feel like they are fighting a losing battle. It is normal to feel frustrated or dejected and to want to give up on your relationship. Counseling professionals understand this and offer couples tools and resources to help them remain calm in difficult situations.
Husband gets defensive when i tell him how i feel Learning how to remain calm when you realize that your husband is behaving poorly can go a long way to repairing the relationship. Learning how to stay calm is about understanding where your own feelings are coming from. If you can understand where your own anger is coming from, then you can more easily find the source of your husband’s defensive behavior.
Once you have found the source, learning how to remain calm and express your feelings clearly without turning the situation into a shouting match is much easier. Learning how to stay calm and express your concerns to your husband without defensive behavior will help you build a stronger and more satisfying marriage.